Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.