I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
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Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
so, is there a mister shapen head
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…