@Dr_powpow: I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
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@iwearaonesie: *son wants to go to water park* *bring him to water park* *starts raining* *he starts crying..because he's getting wet* this is why I drink
@Nikkeya08: We're just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don't have to show our face
@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
@mccoy_paul: While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.