@Dr_powpow: I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
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@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@shawnspree: In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
@just1fool: I'm gonna insert "comedian" in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.
@ericsshadow: [hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted