I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.