I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
channeling her this year
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper