*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”