yes yes a thousand times yes!
You Might Also Like
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
🙄😏😂🤣
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now