I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants