My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre