I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You Might Also Like
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.