I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
You Might Also Like
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.