@SufficientCharm: I have really bad hearing & thought he said "I love turds" but he said "nerds" & now I don't know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…
@vladchoc: Stephanie, I am out to lunch. If the Sims I trapped in this bedroom finally fall in love page me IMMEDIATELY. Yes, I know they look like us.
@joejwest: ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]
@meganamram: If video games have taught me anything, it's that you'll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss