I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
based al yankovic
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.