I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
channeling her this year
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
me before I type out affect or effect
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]