WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.