I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.