I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try