I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
forgive me baja for i have blast
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.