I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?