[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.