Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Shortcut
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom