I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
screw you
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Cat is stressing him out.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.