Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs