Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
You Might Also Like
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
A roof is a house hat.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you