Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
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When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.