Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills