Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name