I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️