I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*