I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology