I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Bros before Ohioes
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit