I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.