I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex