I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
They grow up so quick
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.