I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday