I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m about to risk it all
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.