@OctopusCaveman: I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day? Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
@ArfMeasures: HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip...the more I'll take off ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
@ChaseMit: Just found out Fox News's website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.