I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work