Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
They grow up so quick
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Beware of fowl play.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.