@FattMernandez: I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
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@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@iAmDelFreaky: Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea.
@OopsieCrazy: My tattoos aren't braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them. Unless you're hot, then you get the secret taste option.
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.