My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you