Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m not wrong