“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
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Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
just make the entire table out of coaster
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will