After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
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I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story