What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Only a mother’s love …
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
That’s incredible! 👌
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Body by cheese-puffs.