always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.