@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
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@aka_fatman: *writing résumé* Strengths? I'm great at multitasking *explosion in kitchen* My popcorn! *car crashes through fence* I forgot I was driving!
@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
@jwoodham: Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.