I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
O Wise One….
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.