@TheFearBoners: I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'
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@moooooog35: One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
@Tbone7219: I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88' .... We did not have the internet back then so I'm telling you now.
@BonaFideIntent: Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She's being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I'm holding has a more frightened expression