My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]