@TheFearBoners: I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I'll forget it. Like 'pick up milk,' 'go to bank,' 'you don't hate minorities.'
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@AndyAsAdjective: an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
@SteveSuckington: [Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"
@Sickayduh: This girl won't stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.