I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.