I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
lmao
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…