I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on