@WilliamAder: I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
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@fro_vo: FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir we're going to have to ask you to leave ME: but they are my emotional support bees
@UnrealRogue: [Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.
@Sarcasticsapien: Why can't we edit tweets? Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."